I mean I kind of didn’t know. Because I doubt everything I still wonder if I’m wrong about this. I can’t remember when but I remember in high school being really interested in transgender. At that point I wasn’t interested–as far as I knew–for myself but just one of those really interesting things people go through. I thought the idea of someone identifying as the opposite gender was quite beautiful and actually being able to follow through with trying to make the mental state and physical state have a greater level of congruence was admirable.
My idea of transgender at the time probably wasn’t quite right. I don’t think gender dysphoria was being talked about and if it was it didn’t seem to relate to me. I think I would say that I had only had a hint of femininity but felt personality wise I should’ve been a girl. I was quite gentle and super cautious with any new situation, I would say that this is still true. I’m passive, soft-spoken, typically the voice not being heard. I developed some odd fears I would say like of children looking at me and being afraid of me. I wanted to be soft and never feared. When someone would ask me to do something I would be delicate with it and be fearful of breaking it. I tended to be weak physically. I think most of the time I would say I felt female, delicate, vulnerable.
I remember chatting around the age of 12 and at some point I picked Aeris as my name on there. I felt it was honest, reflected my personality well. For the first few days on there I identified as female. My mom started to chat as well and I guess it came up that Aeris, wasn’t a girl. I enjoyed being a girl on there even if it only lasted a few days. Anyway, I don’t know why I stopped identifying that way. I’m guessing I figured it wouldn’t be worth it when my mom would correct them anyway. I remember suffering an “identity” crisis for quite a few years where I would wish I was a girl for quite some time. I kept praying that I’d wake up a girl. If you had asked me why though I wouldn’t have had a reason.
When I fell in love I think I buried this part of me thinking I’d probably make a good soulmate as someone who had femininity at “his” core. Later in life I would assume my continued depression was due to not having a significant other, not being fit enough/being overweight, personality not being strong enough, not having a career. There was always a reason I was probably depressed. I think I’d find myself in fits of jealousy because of being trans at my core. Because my soul is and was female and I was jealous of the girls for being themselves–girls–something I could not be.
Anyway at this point I feel like my soul is female. I’m not sure how to describe it but I just feel like there’s a strong female light shining out of my soul. When I feel cornered I’d feel a calmness fall over me and I’d be quiet and this light seemed to hit me and it was like I could feel it reflecting off of my heart. I put nail polish on and it resonates with me inside. If I feel anything negative it’s usually because I’m not there yet, if I went outside I wouldn’t be recognized as a girl. If I feel anything negative it’s the guilt for wanting to believe I am female or wanting to be female. What am I doing to my family? God certainly wouldn’t want this would He? How am I hurting others by doing/wanting to do this. I feel like they’re all the wrong thoughts.
I don’t know I think I’ve always gotten a little more excited when people would inadvertently refer to me as a she. Didn’t happen often of course. I liked being called pretty or cute as opposed to handsome but maybe that’s universal?
Growing up I thought all boys wanted to be girls but couldn’t admit it for some reason. Wouldn’t you rather be a girl? Then I thought it was just one of those the grass is always greener on the other sides thing. Oddly I think if things were worse on the other side though I would want those too because it would be a part of being a woman.
I also thought I was different in a normal kind of way. Everyone is different right? Now I’m wondering if that is the case or not.