Emotions: Disappointed, Powerless, Isolated, Guilty, Ashamed, Insignificant, Confident, Couragous, Hopeful, Inspired, Proud
I feel disappointed and ashamed because I didn’t stand up for myself with transition. Annie had gotten upset with me because she felt like I wasn’t present and she threw everything at me and may have associated my lack of presence with obsessing with transition. I agreed on some things–like I had spent a lot of time researching transition. Maybe I’ve spent too much time immersed in transition that I need to have more action or get out of my head. Transition is just one facet of me but it’s so important to me at this point. Probably too important. I think there’s a beauty to transgender people that they/we are willing to go through the awkward 10 year old phase to a greater degree and become a cocoon and go through metamorphosis. It’s not a pretty process but I think we come out beautiful and regardless with outward appearance I think our souls beauty increases greatly as we liberate ourselves. Annie pushed the next day further about our conversation and maybe she was looking to clarify what I did or didn’t agree with but I ended up retracting and just agreeing to not transition. I kind of collapsed on myself in a way and I think guilt and the idea that maybe no one would ever understand me or why I felt I needed to transition. And that it’s actually dangerous for me. That it puts her job at risk potentially (even though it shouldn’t).
I think I felt guilty about transitioning because somewhere either I think I’m contradicting/in contention with the values I was raised with, or for some reason I just expect God to be against my wanting to transition. I think it’s a stretch to apply it to everyone, and say that it’s biblically supported. I think this is a classic problem with being raised with religion. I feel powerless because I’m back in the spot where I think Annie won’t take me and my transition seriously. It’s difficult for me to have much respect for her but I am thankful for what she is doing outside of what she said that day. I still haven’t communicated how I felt to her. I guess I’m a bit mad at her–frustrated, distant, maybe withdrawn is a good description. I feel violated and completely invalidated. I feel like I’m acting a bit “delicate” when I say I feel violated. I think we’re used to hearing it in the context of being sexually violated. Anyway I feel like I don’t owe it to her to tell her why I feel invalidated. I’ve expressed it indirectly, so she must not know that she was the one I was talking about. That she is the one that I feel decided that I can’t make decisions for myself and therefore I don’t have autonomy so I feel like I’m insignificant.
I took a week though and I would say that I immersed myself in “not transitioning” I don’t think I can handle not transitioning long term. It feels like putting mud over my red shining nose. So yes I guess I think I’m supposed to make people feel a bit uncomfortable. But what does it do to me and my family to cover my nose? I get that I’m not the type of person who rebels and forges her own path. I do tend to take challenging paths maybe not so frequently taking life paths that are challenging but I think I’m known (at least to my brother) to challenge myself.
I think a cis gendered man would have little to no interest in becoming a woman. Maybe she believes it is a “mid life crisis” or phase, and I think I’d agree with her if this were the first time this surfaced. It came up periodically throughout life. My first recollection when I was around 8 or maybe when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. I can’t remember what prompted it. I remember why it was dismissed, simply the grass is always greener on the other side. Or all boys think at one point that they wished they were a girl. I’m sure that to some extent there’s a percentage that this would be considered normal for. I don’t think it’s a normal reaction to stare at a picture of yourself rendered as the opposite gender and be crying because it was then that I was looking at the wounds I had caused myself (emotionally) over the course of 30ish years. How I disliked something about myself but could never put my finger on it. The light was on in the room, I understood the shadow I feared or disliked or… I don’t know… but it was for years.
I guess I’m back at square one in a way.
At work things are going better, I’m confident, couragous, hopeful, inspired, and proud. I’ve been getting recognition at work. I’m almost at my 3 year work anniversary. Technically I think I should no longer be an Associate Application Developer after the 3 year mark. I also think I’m ok if my 3 year workaversary goes by without any mention of anything and/or any promotion. It’s something that’d be “nice to have.” I’m not sure how I feel about salary but I have a better understanding of how overtime contributes to salary over time. I think as long as I work 40-45 hours/week they’d offer me a good amount of compensation.
I feel confident because I’ve been able to work through so many issues to resolve an issue the customer was having. I feel couragous because it took some courage to not become dishearted over the obstacles that stood between us and the resolution. I’m hopeful to be able to grow and learn more in the future. I feel inspired as I just started to be able to do code reviews. Other code reviewers at Highmark are typically Senior Devs and Architects so I find it to be an honor to be able to do code review. I’m excited to help our code base by improving contributions to it over time. I’m proud of myself for all the growth and progress I’ve made over the years.
I’m not sure what to even do next with regards to transition. If I should give up at this point on transitioning or for now. I don’t think I can give up for good. I don’t see much point in delaying that. I think I should at least tell Annie how I felt about when she confronted me about it. I’m just tired/drained and don’t want to fight.