I think this comes down to my mom getting to me. I think I need some help kind of sorting through all of this. I think I have an idea of what it comes down to.
My mom mentioned the following things:
- I didn’t like playing with dolls growing up and chose being outside, playing in the woods. This one honestly took me a bit off guard as I knew she made the same choices. I’m sure she also played with dolls though so, yeah a bit surprised.
- I didn’t play house and/or when I did I didn’t take on the role of a female. (I mean I can’t remember if I enjoyed playing house or not. The friend I was there to visit the one time that comes to mind well “saved me” from it. I can’t remember if I wanted saved from it or not.)
- I really like (and liked) model trains. (I… think someone has mentioned that before!)
- I don’t really personalize the space that I live in. I don’t decorate the spaces I spend so much time in.
- I don’t buy clothes for my daughters.
- My mind is analytical and women are intuitive. I’m not sure how true this is because while I’m analytical I’m emotionally driven.
I feel like her assessment is somewhat unfair. I think there are social ramifications for going against the grain and given my personality as someone who is easy going and goes with the flow the chances of me going against that grain are pretty much slim to none. I also resist change. Anyway considering that I’m surprised at myself for wanting to change and transition despite everything and to me that is indication on its own. So I feel like I did what was expected of me. Additionally I’m sure I knew she didn’t want me to have anything feminine as I recall one occasion specifically where I wanted this wand and princess crown where she was like no.
Do hormones have any influence on the roles we take on as children and growing up? I always picture it as the reward centers being different due to hormonal differences but I also know there are cultural differences and when we become part of a label we tend to become a member/part of its subculture.
Anyway I think overall the fact that I didn’t fit in then has little to nothing to do with how I feel now about my gender. The bottom line might be as simple as like I know I have gender dysphoria. I’m not comfortable as a man. I don’t like being identified as a male. The idea of incongruence between gender I was born with and the gender in my mind that is now seemingly less comfortable indicates that I’m transgender. (I’m not sure if my mind is really less comfortable now or if knowing and finally seeing something changes something because now I’m actually aware of it.) The fact that these things happened in childhood don’t necessarily indicate that I fit in better with men (and even if they did–so what?). I’m sure there are cis-gendered women who feel they fit in better with men.
I doubt that I’d be able to change my mom’s mind about any of this but I still need to sort it out for myself at least.
Update: I wanted to update this to mention that I got feedback for this on reddit and to summarize it seems like as far as being transgender goes the focus is on gender dysphoria. Also the idea that I enacted stereotypical male gender roles is in line with how I was presented and expected to behave. Had I gone against that grain there would have been repercussions, additionally as far as “taste” goes this is also likely caused by conditioning. There is a difference between gender roles and gender identity and despite my fulfilling the male role my gender identity is(can be) female.