Maybe this isn’t the place to get an honest reaction. I just want to kind of vent.
My wife is a pastor. I’m not sure if I mentioned that. I’d be surprised if it hadn’t come up yet but allow me to rehash that she’s a pastor. She’s been involved with hiring someone and she’s a fan of one of the candidates.
The other people on the board have decided against this candidate who has shown great results in his work. I’m not sure of the age demographic of the board but I’m pretty sure my wife is probably the youngest. Anyway through the interview process we find out that the candidate is gay and that in his eyes it’s a part of his calling and that it’s a part of his spiritual experience between himself and God. And coming out itself was a part of his spiritual journey and that being honest about who he is was on his life path.
The committee is coming up with a laundry list of reasons to not pursue the candidate. It’s a bit heartbreaking (especially for my wife) to not be able to hire this person. I was surprised to hear that she seems to empathize with the LGBT community and the wounds caused by the church and she wants to promote love and acceptance. It was weird to hear her say that she listened to his story and how there was a spiritual aspect to his coming out. I have one of those or a few of those myself. I feel called. I don’t really talk about it. Especially not to her. I want to but don’t feel right doing that. Maybe it’s out of fear–I’m afraid I’m wrong and then how would I be able to reconcile with the idea and the involvement of God?
I could say then that it wasn’t God that I was listening to. But what of the experiences I had? I still made progress in life. Like Abraham arriving at the top ready to sacrifice his son and then God stops him? Did the will of God change? Was man tested for resolve? And how could being transgender possibly have any semblance of reflection in any of this? It now seems obviously wrong that Abraham should not have to sacrifice his son. It seems to make sense that Abraham should have been willing to sacrifice his son for God should God ask. I can’t say that my experience could relate to that despite any positive outcome of any part of the journey. I half wonder if it was man’s test–or a question of if God could really also give up His son–to know the agony through His creation.
So yes we are humans and do we think that God wouldn’t ask us to live in suffering throughout our life to obey God? It seems wrong to us I think that God should ask such a thing. Like if any human asked us with any sort of notion of seriousness we would not keep their friendship–more than likely. So it’s interesting the expectation is different with God. I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’m just observing.
I think it is nice to hear her support the community. I’d love to wake up one day and she would just be like “you should transition.” Or like gifts affirming my femininity. Supporting my desire to transition. I don’t know. I just wish I had something that could reach my soul. We had been talking more about being transgender. Maybe it’ll come with time but I don’t think I can count on it.