So yesterday I played GTA Online with a bunch of my brother’s friends (one of my friends was there as well but pretty sure the distinction isn’t really necessary).
One of his friends called me by my dead name and then followed up with “I’m sorry” then from there on out corrected and called me Hannah. It was actually touching since in my waking life I am dead named constantly. Mostly my fault probably. I really want to celebrate and I think I was quite happy yesterday but now it’s all I want all the time.
So yeah it makes me wonder if I should make this more of a priority. It impacts me pretty deeply. Probably more than I realize. Just not sure how I could ever justify the damage of transition with my family. I’m not sure I can place my own needs over my family’s needs. Even though deep down I really think something that benefits me like this should benefit my family. Of course that’s just it–my family (some of) likely does not see it as necessary nor beneficial.
Transition would not allow me to reach some practical goal such as “I will no longer be depressed.” It might allow me to say something like “I feel more connected to myself which allows me to feel more connected to others and able to relate to others better.” Or “feel like a human.” But the results aren’t 100% certain.
Regardless my interactions while playing GTA Online were very positive and enjoyable. It makes me want to value myself more. Take myself more seriously. Trust myself and my inner thoughts. Those that have been closest tend to (usually unintentionally) push me to distrust my own thoughts. So one of my core beliefs is if I thought it–it’s probably wrong. When I’m right I always rationalize it to be a shot in the dark that happened to be right.