I miss you I really do. Many of you. Some of you. There’s one that comes to mind right now. For a while I feel like she was the cornerstone of my life and that we were on the same wavelength and I was ok with myself.
She was one of the few friends who could love me as a friend and who I could feel loved as a friend. She would include me in things that my ex never would have and it was a salve healing my sore heart.
We’ve gone our separate ways now. I’m not sure what it is that currently divides us–time, space, failed tests on both sides, fear. I just know I miss her being around. I know we’ve disagreed about some things and we both have some issues with what the other’s actions were. I never meant it to be something to divide us. I’m glad she’s happy where she is at. And given the situation her actions make sense to me.
I suppose her help allowed me to befriend my ex for a while. In retrospect it was probably not good for me to do. Though no malice remained–from what I could tell we were in ruins–maybe more so on my side than hers. I suppose it afforded me closure, it felt like everything had come full circle. The belief seemed to remain that fate was driving the wheels and I seemed to believe that we would be together. Looking back now I feel like it was a book mark or something you hold onto out of habit. I would say a security blanket but it feels different. I also believed in holding onto every piece of love from my heart that I could. I’m not sure what I think at this point. In this case I think the devastation to the relationship was too much to ever find a place to rebuild that wasn’t scorched. It might not burn again but I’m not sure how long it would take for life to reappear there either. I do think there was a part of me that wanted to be there out of obligation of some sort. To fulfill a promise. But in the end I think I just didn’t fit and neither did she.
I do find myself wondering how people would react to my being transgender. I just. Well I wish I could justify transition for myself. But I’m happy with my family. So I will do my best. I feel like I should not abandon the identity part of it. I prefer she/her pronouns and Hannah. I just. I don’t want trouble.