I’ve struggled with my identity for a long time. The most intense struggle happened when I was 13-16. Then I struggled to find love. I don’t know that I really established a strong sense of self. There are traits about me that I do like. Anyway I think maybe I just jumped into finding love without finding myself.
I don’t know what I would change looking back. I think what I want to change I have no power to change. I would change my sex. I’d probably be asking for a bit of a tough life. I often think I would be more confident and more decisive. I worry I would be more judgemental. My estimate is that I would be confident but I would have different problems. I don’t think I would’ve had children.
I worry that I would just be mean to men for no apparent reason. Of course as a woman I would be completely justified to do so. But I just hope I wouldn’t have gotten too caught up in beauty standards. I no longer find beauty to be completely in vain but rather a form of personal art and expression.
I often find myself wishing someone would abduct me into womanhood as though it could be against my will. Maybe those are strong words but maybe it’s closer to a random appearance and someone looks at me and just like welcomes me as a woman.
Something like this:
She asked me “what is your name?”
I gave her a fictitious name “Tom”
She held my hand put her hand on my heart, she insisted, “no who is she? Who are you?”
“My heart’s name is Hannah.”
“To me you are your heart so you are Hannah.”
She hugged me.
You don’t think… I’m delusional?
You don’t think… I was hurt repetitively for looking like a man? For my body being shaped and formed as a man’s?
You think… I should accept this part of myself? That I’m not just giving into a fetish or desire? You don’t think I’m simply running a fools errand?
She held me then she whispered still holding my hand “it’s all you”