So I recently got a haircut. My hair is now short. It’s definitely more functional. The long hair was enjoyable. I wish people were ok that I had a woman’s hair cut. I didn’t get too many comments against it but I did get some rather odd looks from people.
I can tell some people seem relieved that my hair is short. My main reason for cutting it short was for work.
I could see this cut growing on me but I wonder if it means anything in terms of gender expression. I look in the mirror and I see someone that I would likely question if they were a lesbian. Not out loud just not be sure about. I’d probably look for other signs they might be a lesbian and then remember that I don’t even know what signs to look for if there are any.
So I feel like I’m more compliant with society so that part makes me feel ok. I question whether I’m a lie though and I think I’m somewhat disappointed in myself.
I think I’ve kinda embraced my deep voice but sometimes I say something and I’m like that did not feel as good as I imagined it would. I can’t say that I enjoy the fact that my voice is deep. I guess I do wish it read feminine.
I’ve been in deep thought about my gender dysphoria. I think most of the time I’m kinda convincing myself that I’m stupid for thinking I’m transgender so I just beat myself up. It’s not all that productive. I’m just mad? Disappointed? That I feel like I can’t transition. I’m frustrated because the church I grew up with well is not accepting. So I’m trying to go against the beliefs I was raised with but it is increasingly difficult when I think I’m reading opinions online that might reflect that of which my original church would say.
In short they believe that transgender people do not exist. That gender is congruent with sex and this trait is immutable. While I am deeply conflicted I believe that transgender people do exist. I’m conflicted because I wonder if I am enough. Am I trans enough?