Today I feel a bit awful. I wish I could just wake up a woman. I’m not sure I care how it is done just that it’s done. Like I wake up and I have to deal with it. I wish it were clearly something that happened to me rather than something I chose.
Why?
There’s several reasons why I want it to be something that I’ve become a passenger for:
- Guilt
- I don’t want to be responsible for the change. I don’t want the blame of the outfall. Like if family can’t handle it. Without this my family will blame me and say that I chose this over some of them. Like transition was somehow more important than my wife or my kids.
- Religion offers mixed views on it. Some offer that the physical is the manifestation of God’s will. I find this a bit hard to believe. In our imperfect world, where we see awful flaws all the time. The idea that one could be the wrong sex yet physically not display any sort of deformity seems to be beyond the realm of possibility. Since there is not deformity in the formation itself means that the right formation occurred. Perhaps this is similar to looking at checksums for files. The checksum works so therefore the file is free of defect.
- Making a decision already
- There’s a part of me that just wants the decision made. Only I think I know what decision I want to happen I’m afraid of committing to it. I’m afraid of committing to transitioning. I’m afraid of admitting that to some people I’m just delusional.
- I’m afraid of prioritizing myself over anyone else.
- I’m afraid of what everyone thinks.
- Am I feminine enough?
- Would I ever look cute? Would I ever look beautiful as a woman?
- What if they’re right, what if I am delusional? What if I’m really just trying to get everyone to support my delusion?
- Would anyone expect me to transition? Would anyone not be shocked?
- Would anyone refer to me as Hannah she/her when I’m not around?
- Am I healthy enough to transition?
- What if HRT (estrogen) causes problems for me that could lead to my death?
- How do I lose enough weight for gender confirmation surgery?
- How do I lose enough weight while taking estrogen?
- What if estrogen causes other things to get worse? Anxiety/Panic attacks?
- Am I worthy of it?
- Is it worth it at this age?
- I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t want to die. But I don’t want to live. You know like really live. I’m sure this is the depression talking. Sure I can try to manage depression first and see where it leaves me with gender dysphoria. I do get the impression that if I saw myself as a woman that I would be more apt to want to live life. I’m not sure why I would even think this. But I do enjoy things as a woman that I wouldn’t enjoy as a man. Like clothes for example.
- I know I hate being seen as a man. Is this because I think men are awful (I really do think men are awful). Aside from things like practicality and desire, I have a hard time understanding why women would even want to be with a man. I’m not saying that companionship with any man would be a bad experience though. I just feel like being with a man or around men is like walking among vampires everyday.