It’s been a while since I’ve posted. My account got suspended on livejournal for a while and it took a week or two to resolve that. I wonder if someone flagged it or if their system automatically flagged it for spam. My last entry had a ton of links on it.
I had been emailing my mom back and forth about my thoughts of being trans. Her first response was something like she had always seen me as a man and that I’m a good man or something along those lines. Her second email confirmed that I hadn’t acted female ever while growing up. That we needed to talk about it soon. We still haven’t gotten to do that. I have been quite busy with work. I’ve been repressing it… giving in to the idea that well if I hadn’t behaved like a girl for the past 30ish years why should I start now? Why do I think I’m a female?
The truth is that I want it badly, simultaneously don’t want it with similar intensity. I wouldn’t be able to avoid the disappointment of professionals coming to a consensus that I was not a transgender woman. That something else indicates why this is happening. Yet I don’t know how I could deal with losing my wife. I’m terrified of that. No I want them to tell me I’m a girl. Here’s your brain–it’s female–we don’t know how you survived that man bath of testosterone.
Your behavior has been male because you’ve been indoctrinated, you did what humans do best and assimilated into your role. You don’t like it but you faked it pretty good didn’t you?
Some might be colored with righteous anger, how could you trick these people into thinking you were a man?! How could you trick them by not knowing the girl buried underneath? How could you not know something so essential?
Something has been off my life you know. I don’t really personalize things–like you put me in a cubicle and I leave it plain. I don’t hang up posters or pictures. I have a picture in my cube I have a card or two. Not much personalized other than that. The bedroom I share with my wife, I didn’t decorate at all. My clothes are bland and boring, sprinkled in with an occasional video game shirt (the only ones I actually like). My shoes are ok, light grayish blue color. An unusual choice for me. My glasses are a bold blue–never had anything that didn’t just blend in. I had always feared they’d be too feminine somehow? I know blue doesn’t scream feminine but I guess the way I pictured it made it feminine. She does like blue after all. I’ve had a bowl cut or trimmed bowl cut most of my life. Always wanted it to be long–always wanted to grow my hair long. Finally doing that now. When my hair looks more feminine I like it but when I look like I dunno a masculine cave man I hate it.
I look at pictures and I cringe on the inside, never really pinpoint the reason I dislike it. I think I’ve mentioned it but I took a snap and used the girl filter and for once I liked my pic. I cried that day. I look at myself in the mirror, every once in a while I catch a glimpse of the girl inside and it makes me happy. The shimmer of the prospect of being a girl has worn off, I still want it. I don’t expect to look like that picture. I just want to see a woman staring back in the mirror knowing that it is me. I wish I was born that way but I don’t wish to undo my life.
I wish you’d call me a her, a girl, a woman. A female. Even though I didn’t act like one my whole life. I wish I could prove who I am.