So it’s been a while since I’ve posted and a lot of things have happened. I don’t know that my situation has changed a whole lot. In some ways I’m back to square one and in others I’m making progress.
I’ve been going to therapy and working with a therapist. I’ve struggled through various stages. One stage I went through that was memorable was a phase where I felt like it was ok for other people to transition (as far as religion goes) but not me. And I discovered along the way that I’ve been trying all this time to take up zero space. It’s different than walking on eggshells but it feels very similar. Apologizing for everything. Apologizing for being myself. Apologizing for any inconvenience. There’s no self.
It’s been a bit extreme I’d say. Couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. Especially when my hair was short.
March 11 I started hormones. The changes were drastic. A lot of mental fog disappeared, made me feel like a person. Everything looks different in a way. It’s similar to putting on a new pair of glasses and adjusting to that. Emotions tend to come with faces instead of just being in a dark room together. I don’t feel as threatened to talk about emotions (but I still struggle sometimes). When I started there was a deep pain for what I had done to my body and I felt like I reconnected with it and reconciled. I felt like I gained awareness for where my legs were. My muscles felt different and I felt like it was slightly different to walk. I felt connected to my body and able to hear it. I could be quiet and feel my body and gain reassurance. So I felt a bit more self-assured than usual.
In April I wrote this letter to my mom to try to come out to her:
Email to mom (4/17) transition
And now I know that my wife doesn’t fully support my transition. Like she does to some extent. But to suddenly be in a type of relationship that you didn’t sign up for is awkward.
I think I have more to talk about but I will need to catch up later.