So it’s been a while since I’ve posted and a lot of things have happened. I don’t know that my situation has changed a whole lot. In some ways I’m back to square one and in others I’m making progress.
I’ve been going to therapy and working with a therapist. I’ve struggled through various stages. One stage I went through that was memorable was a phase where I felt like it was ok for other people to transition (as far as religion goes) but not me. And I discovered along the way that I’ve been trying all this time to take up zero space. It’s different than walking on eggshells but it feels very similar. Apologizing for everything. Apologizing for being myself. Apologizing for any inconvenience. There’s no self.
It’s been a bit extreme I’d say. Couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. Especially when my hair was short.
March 11 I started hormones. The changes were drastic. A lot of mental fog disappeared, made me feel like a person. Everything looks different in a way. It’s similar to putting on a new pair of glasses and adjusting to that. Emotions tend to come with faces instead of just being in a dark room together. I don’t feel as threatened to talk about emotions (but I still struggle sometimes). When I started there was a deep pain for what I had done to my body and I felt like I reconnected with it and reconciled. I felt like I gained awareness for where my legs were. My muscles felt different and I felt like it was slightly different to walk. I felt connected to my body and able to hear it. I could be quiet and feel my body and gain reassurance. So I felt a bit more self-assured than usual.
I wrote this in another journal:
“I was driving out of CVS and I couldn’t help but start [estradiol] right away. I pulled over into a parking space and probably against better judgment started my medication. On my way home I wondered how long it would take to notice anything. Would I notice anything? Then for a moment everything felt great. Which normally is great except that apparently feeling too good can trigger a panic response. I seem to have a limit of how good I can feel. Then it felt like a wave of anxiety (is that something that can be felt?) Was it a side effect? Was it just feeling the introduction of something new in the system? I unclenched some muscles and breathed. Ok I feel like I can handle a bit more of feeling good than before?
I pulled into the driveway, went in and put the medicine away. I drank a bunch of water. Then I was feeling really great. The brain fog I’ve felt for the past few years seemed to be gone. I felt… alive! Then the bathroom trips began. It’s fine, I did drink like 80 oz of water. I found myself wondering how I ever got through life. I noticed talking about emotions with my wife like I hadn’t done before. Emotions seemed to come to me now like people–the faces I could recognize them now. As though in my testosterone fish tank I was in a dark room and they were hiding under blankets and bothering me. Now the lights seemed like they were on. I knew who they were. Clarity seemed beyond what I’ve experienced for a long time. I felt like I was 6 (it’s good, I was a very happy 6 year old). I tried to scan for when I really felt like this last. And I had trouble determining that.
I feel like a huge boulder was just lifted off of me. I’m sure there will be challenges and new problems to replace the old. And I expect old problems will come back too (in some form). But for now I can be happy with where I’m at. I could rush ahead but I also can enjoy the now. I guess I haven’t really figured out what this all means for me. I feel so validated by estrogen and how it seems to make my brain.
Yesterday I was very thankful for everything and mesmerized by everything. I thought of everyone that I loved and it was weird to feel love so intensely. My body feels like it reconnected yesterday. I’m not really sure I know how to describe that. I kinda detached my sense of self during puberty. I knew where my body was (proprioception).”
In April I wrote this letter to my mom to try to come out to her:
Email to mom (4/17) transition
And now I know that my wife doesn’t fully support my transition. Like she does to some extent. But to suddenly be in a type of relationship that you didn’t sign up for is awkward.
I think I have more to talk about but I will need to catch up later.
Part 2:
There was a lot of plusses in March after I started hormones. I felt closer to my wife. I was thankful for everything. And for a moment I really believed I had started new–I was a new creation. I believed that God even blessed it and would continue to bless me during my transition. Maybe that is still true.
The day before the appointment on March 11, I was worried. Specifically about whether I would ever think like a woman. Would my brain ever work right? Would I ever pass? What is the limits of transition? Then during the appointment the first thing out of my Dr’s mouth was about how hormones would close doors in my mind and open others. Granted cells that fire together wire together and I’ve already been wired the way I am now. But some of those roads might close down and get rerouted.
I had been asking for God to just wake me up as a woman. I mean, it’s not out of God’s power (necessarily) although my current beliefs… well let’s just say that I believe I’m a woman in 29% of realities out there. God told me that wasn’t how He worked. He doesn’t always work in the business of instantaneous. So I believe transition is a part of my journey in life. After talking to family though I feel guilty saying that. I feel like because the God they believe in couldn’t ask me to do that–well that’s just reality?
I definitely struggle because I can see it. Like maybe a demon gave me all those signs and pretended to be God. Maybe it was a demon that gave me the obsession to want to transition. Maybe it was through deception and confusion that I became “gender confused.”
The idea of well you were tricked by a demon and now you’re in hell is weird though.
In late April I realized that Annie was struggling with my transition. I’m so afraid of what’s coming next.