I’m sad today. I’ve been sad lately. Chronically sad. Depressed. But feeling the sadness again. I know I’ve been worrying about death. What if there’s nothing after? Then it’s tragic because I’ll forget myself. Is that as sad to other people as it is to me? Maybe not because of faith. Eternity is equally scary.… Continue reading I’m sad
Blog
AI chat Journal Notes
Today wasn’t the first time I’ve explored wanting to express a more feminine side. We talked about names yesterday, and it feels like there’s a part of me waiting to be discovered. I still like Hannah but I’m curious if I can find a first and middle name that match initials “BL.” Finding resources like… Continue reading AI chat Journal Notes
Still around
Hello, I’m still around, still write from time to time. Grandpa passed away recently. A couple years ago while I was going to sleep I feel like I told him that it was ok and he could leave if he wanted to. He stuck around for a bit longer I would’ve expected. He was not… Continue reading Still around
Grandpa
Grandpa was a self made man. He kept his own garden, fixed anything within his means. If he couldn’t figure something out he’d ask other people how to fix things. Once he started working on something, he would often be determined to see it through, steadfast in his resolve to fix or complete his project.… Continue reading Grandpa
Decision Avoidance
Today I feel a bit awful. I wish I could just wake up a woman. I’m not sure I care how it is done just that it’s done. Like I wake up and I have to deal with it. I wish it were clearly something that happened to me rather than something I chose. Why?… Continue reading Decision Avoidance
Hair cut
So I recently got a haircut. My hair is now short. It’s definitely more functional. The long hair was enjoyable. I wish people were ok that I had a woman’s hair cut. I didn’t get too many comments against it but I did get some rather odd looks from people. I can tell some people… Continue reading Hair cut
Struggle
I’ve struggled with my identity for a long time. The most intense struggle happened when I was 13-16. Then I struggled to find love. I don’t know that I really established a strong sense of self. There are traits about me that I do like. Anyway I think maybe I just jumped into finding love… Continue reading Struggle
Dear Friends
I miss you I really do. Many of you. Some of you. There’s one that comes to mind right now. For a while I feel like she was the cornerstone of my life and that we were on the same wavelength and I was ok with myself. She was one of the few friends who… Continue reading Dear Friends
Make sure I don’t look like a Girl
I’ve been struggling a lot lately with feelings of gender dysphoria. In suppressing feminine expression I feel like I have separated me from myself. I think that’s probably an odd thing to say seeing it written out here. I feel like most of my life I’ve spent separated from myself–continually denying myself of a solid… Continue reading Make sure I don’t look like a Girl
“I’m a girl!”
I had an odd dream and there’s a lot about it that I don’t really remember but there was a segment that sticks out. I was at home at mom’s and I was pretty young in the dream maybe 10 or 11 and my friends were there. No one that I recognized specifically. I was… Continue reading “I’m a girl!”