I had a weird dream a couple nights ago: I don’t remember the circumstances but I remember hitting a point where I was very frustrated. I know this comes after talking to my mom about religion and my being transgender. I feel conflicted about being transgender again because I was brought up in a church that doesn’t believe in it. And I struggle with the idea that we were created just the way we should be. When many births don’t work out that nicely and need manual intervention and there are birth defects. The idea that God conveys intention through flesh–something that is flawed and subject to sin is such a strange thing. But the interface to our souls is our mind and often through emotions. The flesh can get in the way of that easily (you know in theory). She just believes we were given something and we have to “work with it” and I don’t know.
I’m not sure if surgery is truly the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I’m too far away to tell. My goal is to get to the women state, and maybe there’s a city and that is filled with those that are a certain kind of woman and it has districts and what not–I don’t know. But for me I just want to get to that state. I don’t know where I’d want to live once I get there. I don’t want the doors to be closed before I can even really know what I’m saying yes or no to. So yeah I’m bothered.
There’s a part of me that wants an absolute God where everyone can just plainly know where they stand. “This is law and you are outside.” Instead Christianity has become some sort of battlefield where everything is mud. Man has taken God’s word into his own hands and molded it into something all his own. Isn’t that what you are trying to do too? Yeah maybe it is to some extent. I want a loving God who looks at His creation and takes a moment and appreciates all life. God created that weird creature–yes even the ones that freak you out–with all his love. Who are you to stand in the way and tell them what they are? No but seriously I just think that the soul means everything.
I think the idea that the soul has gender might be misleading too though. Am I a female soul in a male body? I don’t know. That seems to insinuate the idea of past lives and such and I don’t know if that makes sense. And I don’t want to begin to think about the idea of God stuffing a female soul into a male body. I don’t know that I like the idea of being born transgender as a mistake either though. There are birth defects. There are handicaps that people have. I do think transgender people can be absolutely beautiful. Some shine so bright, and I wonder why people are quick to throw stones at these people while they’re in cocoons to become butterflies.
Recently the suggestion is closer to asking about if the body is really male. It resembles a male in its formations and sometimes in genetic code (i.e. the oversimplified XX and XY modality). But the brain develops pathways more consistent with its gender. Yes that is not the sex the doctors point out and print on their birth certificate. Then the brain is given a nice bath of the opposite gender in the way of hormones. A disconnect between the mind and body occurs as a result of this. Sometimes the distress this causes is quite significant and interferes with the ability to function as a normal person. Other times it goes unseen to everyone similar to depression, anxiety, and other mental health disparities. Society presses on these people to likely cause the aforementioned mental health issues as well (depression, anxiety, and social anxiety disorder) are quite common to transgender people. What I’m getting at is the brain doesn’t look male at all, you take a picture of that thing and ask what sex is that? What’s the greatest sex organ of all? The brain right? What makes a person… oh wait no that’s definitely the rest of the body sorry. They are just delusional. (Not really just frustrated.)
Anyway I had a dream a couple nights to go and I was just frustrated. Suddenly I realized God was there, and I was like oh let’s just do this and get this over with.
“Will you make me a girl?”
“No”
I don’t know what led up to that. I thought I was in a room with God and a bunch of people fighting about my being transgender. I was just there I don’t know that anyone was aware of my being there. I was hurting pretty bad in the dream, some sharp pains.
So after God said no I just accepted that He wouldn’t make me a girl, I was like oh right you made me this way. When I woke up I was like so what does that mean about being transgender? That wasn’t a question in the dream. But now that I woke up I want to know. I’m just like “go back in and ask again” I don’t think I can get back there now.
I don’t think God is really into quick fixes like that or instant gratification. So I don’t know what to make of the response in terms of being transgender. But I know God won’t make me into a girl.