I got a haircut on Saturday was probably one of the most euphoric experiences in my life lol. I told him that I wanted something feminine and that I wanted to grow it out. And he mentioned giving it shape which sounded like what I was looking for.
After my haircut another hairdresser complimented my hair saying it was beautiful. It might have been the first compliment I just accepted and didn’t think it was some odd threat (sarcastic). When I saw my hair in the mirror I just wanted to cry because well I never look at myself in the mirror–I avoid it. And I was like is this what normal people feel? I still imagine that they find little things that detract from beauty but… I mean I have things too like receding hairline… But yeah… it was such a weird experience.
Then reality kind of set in and I was like well my wife is probably not going to like this. And I was a bit worried about that. That went ok. She flipped out initially because I guess she thought they didn’t really cut my hair. Thought it indicated transition. But then she saw they reshaped it..
I really just wanted to enjoy the experience. I wish I could experience other moments like this. She said “I just want you to be happy.” But I don’t know that I want that kind of loss. I also don’t know I believe that she wants me to be happy. But I know she doesn’t want me to not be happy.
Maybe somewhere inside I’m still thinking that my suffering isn’t all that important. I convince myself that I’m just a burden. That I don’t know what I’m talking about. That my feelings are just desires and that I should withhold indulging in desires. In a that’s just the flesh talking kind of way. At what point is it damaging to inhibit the flesh of desires in favor of the spiritual realm? Are all desires really that harmful? Is it that giving into any desire is sinful? Why do I get a feeling of conviction around it? Am I just that messed up? Anyway I think that’s probably a very Lutheran view. The idea that one needs to push down ones own desires regardless of what it costs them in life. Could a connection be made with a cheerful giver? I think that is different because this is a question of sin.