I don’t want to transition as a means to solve a problem. I want to transition as a means to connect to myself. I don’t want to transition because the grass is greener on the other side. I’m thinking the grass is probably frozen. I think I would rather be able to dance in the snow than walk only from point a to point b.
I want to connect to myself and I want to be able to interact in the world with a body that resonates with my inner world. I want to be seen for what I am on the inside.
- I want to be seen for what I am
- I want to be feminine
- I want to be excited about bright colors
- I want to wear bright colors
- I want to wear a dress
- I want to wear cute shoes
- I want to live as a woman.
- I want to have a high pitched voice/sound feminine
- I want people to look at me and realize that I finally make sense.
- I want women to welcome me into their world.
- I don’t want people to see me as a man.
- I want the shininess to wear off with being a woman. I want to enjoy life.
- I want people to call me Hannah/she/her or another name if I land somewhere else–even when I’m not there.
- I’m hurting so much on the inside from having to lie about who I am. I have to lie and pretend I’m a cis man who never thinks about being a woman.
- I have to lie for my daughter so she has the parents she deserves. I have to lie for my older daughter so her family stays consistent. I have to lie to stay with my wife.
- I have to accept my short comings with either path but it seems to sting more to be a failure of a man who has no interest in outside care.
- I’m a failure who has no ability to fix things around the house.
- I’m a failure who can’t work on a car.
- I’m a failure because I’m afraid of heights and the idea of getting on a ladder no matter the height is absolutely terrifying.
- I’m a failure because I don’t want to leave the house I’m ashamed of who I am.
- I’m a failure because I’m incompetent.
- I’m a failure because I’m inadequate, just like always.
- I’m a failure because these things I’ve listed I have no interest in improving or building my skills. I do want to leave the house and not be ashamed of myself.