I wish I would write more when things are good. Today I have no energy and don’t want to write at all. I’m not even sure what to write. I’m just deflated and want to go back to bed. Normal life I guess.
Emotions: Overwhelmed, Stressed, Ashamed, Guilty, Remorseful, Depressed, Discouraged, Deflated, Hurt, Lonely, Excluded, Isolated, Abandoned, Disgusted, Critical, Curious, Inspired, Surprised, Awed, Grateful.
I’m overwhelmed with work and I feel like I have this debt of energy from last week, I feel a bit behind and unsupported because I can’t charge my tasks yet. I’m stressed because I was invited to a meeting after thanksgiving and I don’t want to go to it. It is in person and lately my anxiety has been through the roof and I’ve been having panic attacks (or anxiety attacks–not sure what the difference is).
I’m ashamed that I struggle so much with being transgender. I’ve found myself feeling ashamed that I am trangender–that I think I’m transgender. I’ve found myself feeling ashamed that I haven’t done much to transition or to seek the help I really need. That I’m too weak to transition. That I am not taking care of myself. Maybe I do think that I don’t deserve help or that I don’t deserve to feel like myself. Maybe I don’t think I deserve to be happy.
Sometimes I feel guilty because I believe I’m transgender. Because I can’t talk about how I feel in relation to being transgender. That I have no right wanting to be feminine. That if I let it win–give in to the desire to transition that I will fail my family. I beat myself up because I think about how other people think and their belief that it is not natural for me to be feminine. I wasn’t born a female so what business do I have? Other times I feel guilty that I’m not confronting it, I’m not being honest about how I feel towards being transgender. I’m not being authentic about myself. Ultimately I fear transitioning I fear people’s reaction to it, I fear that God wouldn’t want me to, and I fear that my wife will kick me out. I fear that I bear the responsibility for the harm that it would cause my family. So I bear the burden, hold my breath, and not transition to keep my wife, so that my children don’t have to go through a/another divorce.
I feel remorseful that online I live another life. In the online world I can be Hannah and have she/her pronouns. I hold on to it dearly and sometimes it causes me great pain to hold on to. I think the alternative is to be dead inside. So both choices are not that great.
I feel discouraged because I’ve been in this situation for so long. I’m afraid of change. I don’t know that I could take care of myself let alone be on my own. The family would not function properly without my being here. I have to help with taking care of our children.
I feel deflated. I feel defeated. I just can’t.
I feel hurt that I have to stay here in this place in my heart. Alone. I feel lonely here. In the dark. For the sake of my children and wife. If I lash out because of all of this negative energy it is still my own fault. If this is unhealthy for me then that is on me. I feel isolated and excluded because I have to not feel like myself. I see my daughter doing make up and getting to do all the feminine activities and I’m glad she gets to experience. I wish that I too could take part. But I look like a man and therefore I am–at least to them.
I feel abandoned because everyone doesn’t want the me I found inside to ever come out. I again feel isolated and excluded because in my mind I thought this would be like.
Me (nervous fidgeting but cute): “I wish I could be a gamer girl, can you help me?”
Her: “You want to be a girl?”
Me (softly): “Yes?”
She opens a door and rainbows and ponies burst out of the door. Hair ties, sparkly shoes, glitter, did I mention ponies and unicorns?, dresses, skirts, makeup kits, mirrors, streamers, more glitter. “Follow me”
Suddenly I’m transported to a new world and she tells me to sit down and she waves a wand and says some secret words. I can’t quite make them out but my hair poofs out and she brushes it. She puffs my face and makeup appears. She presses a button I never knew I had and my body floods out and finally I look like a woman.
Her: “You’re a woman! Welcome! You’ll be expected to attend class 8 days a week to try to catch up with everything.”
Yeah, I know this is all ridiculous, but I seriously hoped for something somewhat within the realm of reality… Like an excited woman who waited her whole life to give me a makeover and make me look like a woman.
I feel disgusted with myself that I’m somewhere here in the middle. I go back and forth with what I think God thinks. Back and forth with whether I think I deserve to be loved. Back and forth on… almost everything sadly.
If you haven’t been here for the past 15 min of my listing stuff out like this–obviously I’m critical of myself. Perhaps overly critical. I just want to get it right.
I’m curious about what my life would have been like if I was born a woman. I think I’ve decided that I wouldn’t be “me.” If I thought there were multiple dimensions the world where I’m a female isn’t because of just a switch for getting the X chromosome from my dad. Instead it would’ve been a different sperm cell. I would have different traits. So yeah, I’m still curious what I would’ve been like. But I suppose there was a reason I was born the way I was. In order to make a statement that I should be born the way that I was born doesn’t necessitate that I believe that transgender could be out of possibility for being designed that way. I believe the intent is more along the lines of a journey that I am supposed to take and it is a catalyst for how I relate to myself and others.
I feel inspired by the idea of a God who loves all of us. Who takes us in as though we are all creatures out in the forest needing some sort of care or acknowledgement. God the gardener shows up and loves each one of us the way we were created just as we are–imperfections and all. I believe God sees our heart and knows our hearts better than anyone else. I think this idea and the idea of God being loving is the key.
I was surprised to have written about something so close to my heart that seemed to shine so brightly. I was surprised that my sanctuary in nature reflected my idea of God. Perhaps I’m wrong about this but I think the Pharisees were attached to the word so much that their love of doctrine separated themselves from the love of God. You know the love that was actually out there in life itself. I think the light in our hearts is so important and how we handle other candles around us. We should be igniting each others’ hearts and inspiring and calling one another to love. If you feel like you are blowing someone else’s heart out maybe you should reconsider your actions. Are you sure this is a call for love? Will this person really benefit from “tough love?”
I was in awe of myself to see such brightness emerge from an otherwise dark place. I was in awe to see God. I was in awe that God could reach and make me feel ok again.
I’m grateful for everything being provided to me in life. My career, my wife, her career, our children. I’m grateful for everyone in my life, especially those who provide encouragement and support. Those who are probably sick of me–thank you.